Overheard #11

“That’s a cynical sunset.”

“Does my cock look big in these [jeans]?”

“She treats me like I’m part of the furniture – but not anything she’d want to sit on.”

“She's [Stormy Daniels] just a storm in a double D cup.”
 
“The difference between my week and weekend is I don’t feel guilty for doing nothing at the weekend.”

Overheard #10

"Do all butterflies taste of pancakes?"

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"I went from being off-piste to pissed off"
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"You're a porn again Christian"
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"Josh just bought some brioche"
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"Remember there's no 'i' in busking"
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"There should be a war on peanuts"
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"Did Virginia Woolf drown at Virginia Water?"
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"If you shut up, I'd listen to you more"
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"Tim Rice and Tim Curry should do a collab
on a Rice and Curry musical" 

FYI – I was doing this way before Time Out magazine.

Overheard #9

'How many opinions make a fact?'

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'They're both boring but at least she's a woman.'

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'Designers do it at high resolution.'

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'He's a Libyan living in oblivion.'

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'Do me a flavour.'
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'Girls don't play
If you don't pay.'
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Overheard #8

On a train from Camborne to London. Four precocious young people; a doctor, two filmmakers and a DJ from Dalston via New York have been to a wedding the previous day. One of their friends is called Crusoe. His dad is called Robin. The only reason he was named Crusoe was so it could be said: 'Robin's son, Crusoe' [ie Robinson Crusoe] – a phrase which might not come up that often but when it did would be worth it. The dad has a wicked sense of humour. Absolute genius.

Other subjects of conversation were: Apple Apps (mainly, Tinder), modern dating (via the book The Game; oh God, is all modern life just a 'high-powered marketing technique'?), social networking, shooting films in LA / New York and how to save a drunk person who had swam in the sea at midnight, turned blue then collapsed under the kitchen table (put him in a warm shower). Somehow it filled a five hour train journey. I had no book and no headphones for my iPod. I looked out the window at the beautiful countryside passing by.

Overheard #7

Two elderly men in a charity shop; they don't know each other. The small one approaches the tall one.

– You look just like John Cleese.
– What? [Didn't hear and taken aback]
– You look just like John Cleese.
– What? [Didn't understand]
– You look just like John Cleese, the comedian.
– Oh. Do I? [Confused]
– Yes, you look just like him.
– Oh, the comedian… from…
– Yes, from Fawlty Towers. You look just like him. You're as tall as him and… you've got a moustache. Just like him.
– Oh, really?
– Yes, has no one ever said that to you before? We could do a double act. I could be the waiter and you could be Basil. Basil!
– Oh. Yes. Ha. [Feigning laughter he moves away, perhaps in a Basil Fawltyesque manner]

Overheard #6

Two middle-aged men with Bipolar disorder in a charity shop in Westbury, Wiltshire.

– You got any kids?
– What, being Bipolar? You must be kidding. I had the snip years ago. How often do you get attacks?
– It's with me all the time. It never goes away. How about you?
– I have an attack every couple of months. Sometimes I hear voices. I just ignore them. Especially when they tell me to stab my wife.

The man lets out an evil chuckle. Everyone in the shop has heard him, but is not sure if he is joking. We make our way towards the exit.

Overheard #4 & #5

—Yeah, she’s seeing her husband this evening.
—She’s married?
—Yeah, I thought I told you.
—Na.
—Yeah, she’s married.
—Man, she’s a dark horse.
—Everyone’s a dark horse.
—I suppose.

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—Tell me about the history of pianos.
—No.
—No?
—It’s an Italian word. Means ‘floor’.
—‘Floor?’ Nonsense.

Overheard #3

Two old women in a shop.

– So how's your granddaughter?
– Well, she's still in a coma if that's what you mean.
– Oh.
– But it's a self-induced coma.
– I see. Is that better or worse?
– Well...

Overheard #2

Strangers on a train.
– You know I'm seventy-six, love (boasts the man with the lager can in his hand, gnarled, side-of-a-matchbox stubble, glasses, but certainly not looking his age)
She ignores him.
– You know I'm a gypsy, love, a real gypsy. I bet you never seen a real gypsy before.
She still ignores him. Maybe he's a bit drunk, and somewhat racist against the Romani, who leave all their rubbish everywhere, he says.
– I'm going to Virginia Water, love. To see my boy. I haven't seen him in five years. Five years!
– [Pause] It's posh there, you know (ventures the woman).
– Eh?
He'd retired last week and now had some time to see his son.

Overheard #1

Snippet of conversation heard outside a pub by the Thames.

– I thought the speed limit was 8 miles per hour on the Thames.
– You mean knots?
– How long is a knot?
– How long is a piece of string?