Life branded a 'health and safety risk'

Health and Safety Officials across the UK have branded life – in which all humans take part – a 'severe health and safety risk' after discovering that some 600,000 people in the UK die every year – and many more injure themselves. Officials are currently compiling a comprehensive list of possible health risks including walking, running, driving, working, eating, drinking, smoking, swimming, youthful abandon, old age – in short, almost everything humans do can be said to pose a health risk.

A concurrent list – shortly to be published – includes specific objects which may be harmful. These include surprisingly familiar items such as spoons, knives, cigarettes, poison, hanging baskets, wardrobes, walls, wine, foxes, guns, trains, architect drawers, cars, asbestos, tigers – to name but a few. Local governments are hoping to implement a scheme whereby every object in the world is labelled with a red sticker stating, 'Warning! Could possibly be bad for your health', similar to the government's health warnings on cigarette packets.

Life, it seems, is bad for your health, but the red sticker scheme could prevent needless accidents and deaths happening, officials say.