Thursday, July 08, 2010

POPBITCH: Warminster Special*

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>> Only eat what you can spell <<

Which 'posh' (according to locals, mainly because they charge the extortionate £4.99 a meal) eaterie has a special needs waiter who can't spell? When ordering, be sure not to ask for anything over five letters long, otherwise you will have to spell it for him, letter by letter. Barnflakes ordered a salad nicoise on ciabatta and a cappucino, much to his regret.

This same 'posh' eaterie has a new, modern-ish (for Wiltshire) menu somewhat ahead of its time. Barnflakes' above mentioned 'salad nicoise' was simply, er, tuna salad. After the fiasco of spelling his order, he hadn't the heart or energy to mention the missing eggs, potatoes, green beans and olives.

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It took less time to build the Eiffel Tower than it did to (pointlessly) widen Warminster's two main pavements (having the unfortunate effect of making the town look even more desolate).
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Warminster has no cinema. Or cool people. But it does have an advertising agency currently, er, advertising a "well paid, interesting" job for £14,000. Catch it while you can. Barnflakes enquired about the position and mentioned that £14,000 was, in fact, extremely badly paid. The MD replied, "As to whether it is well-paid or not, actually yes it is. The manager of the former Martins newsagent used to earn £12,000 a year – a job with more responsibility than the one I am recruiting for. I don't know what the WH Smith's [recently taken over from Martin's] manager gets, probably about the same."
So there.

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>> Michael Winner says eat here or else <<

Another cafe/restaurant ('Now serving til 8' – Post Meridian that is) making news is on the same main road as spelling bee but along a bit. And on the other side. Customers here also need to be on their guard. The chef and owner told a customer to 'F**k off' just outside the cafe, and almost beat him up. He has just gotten over a nervous breakdown. If potential customers don't want him to have another, whatever you do, don't complain about the food. And it is pretty good. Even Michael Winner says so. Barnflakes, unsurprisingly, heartily recommends the Full English Breakfast.

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Warminster has six charity shops.
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More people die than live in Warminster.
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>> Parlay voo France say? <<

Warminster's notoriously poor food reached an all-time low when Barnflakes et famille ventured continental in a cafe which translates as 'The Newspaper' (it just doesn't have that Je ne sais quoi in English, does it?). In case you're wondering why: French newspapers adorn the ceiling. In case you're wondering why: don't ask. Settling into the back room which felt more like a cave, it took 15 minutes just to get a menu... which consisted of more (bad) French food cliches than Cafe Rouge. The staff looked flustered with a total of six OAPs in the whole place, so we decided on something basic and easy: coffee and croissants. Our coffee arrived and it was, er, wrong. Our correct beverages arrived a little later, with croissants (and an apple cake – a favourite, apparently). Barnflakes just managed his under-baked croissant but the missus couldn't stomach her apple cake. It wasn't baked at all. The apples were from a tin. And it smelt real bad. C'est la vie? Non – c'est Warminster!

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>> Raves from the Grave <<

Much excitement occurred with the opening of an independent record shop where you can pay £14.99 for a new release instead of £8.99 online. I know, I know... you're paying for the friendly, expert advice from the dedicated staff, such as:

Customer: Have you got the new Deluxe Edition of Disintegration by The Cure?
Staff: Er, The Cure? Are they a new band?

or

Customer: Have you got any John Cale?
Staff: Er, to tell the truth, I've never heard of him.

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++There are more boarded up shops than open ones in the town.
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Barbara Streisand, Liam Neeson and Salvador Dali have all stayed at Bishopstrow House in Warminster – but not at the same time.
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*with apologies to popbitch.com and the good people of Warminster, Wiltshire.

7 comments :

Anonymous said...

You are f*cking rude. The sooner you leave this town the better.

Barnaby Attwell said...

Amen to that, Anon.

Anonymous said...

"Warminster has no cinema. Or cool people..."
Eeerrr does that include you?

And the other person leaving the first comment is so upset because maybe its all true what you say?

Barnaby Attwell said...

It's all true all right.

james said...

Methinks that this is a tactic by Mr Flakes to keep Warminster exclusive by putting the riff-raff off visiting. Non?

Barnaby Attwell said...

Mais oui, mon ami! Seems to be working too.

t-1000 said...

'Only eat what you can spell' should be a barnacle